Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
