Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
