you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
