is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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