I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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