I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
