Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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