just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
