Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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