PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
