were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
