I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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