I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
