I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
