Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
