i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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