I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My feet surprised me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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