I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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