A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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