sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
