i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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