i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
