i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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