I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
