watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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