I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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