i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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