Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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