this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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