youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
