3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
