i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
sex in a hospital.. check
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
