Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
zippers are such a cool invention
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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