he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
