my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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