Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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