I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
