She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
