I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
