So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
