so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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