then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
