so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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