my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
