It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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