life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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