what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
