I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
