Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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