What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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